We miss you Poof

My sweet kitty, Poof, died the Monday after we moved, two weeks ago tomorrow. She was old, 15, and hasn't been doing well for a while. I was concerned the move would kill her, and I proved to be right.

The girls found her while I was at work. I had to come home and take care of the situation. We cried, pet her, put her in a box, and we each put an article of clothing in the box to cushion her. We put her little stuffed bear in the box, and I put the box in the fridge! I had to go back to work, I had to do something with her!

Luckily, my new landlord wasn't squimish with my burying a dead cat in his yard, so after work we set to digging a hole.

That is hard work, let me tell you. Plus I was sick. And worn out.

But, with the help of Payden and Michaela, we got a hole dug. We had a little kitty funeral, then we filled it, and I grabbed a tree stump that was back there to put on top. I figured it would make a nice seat, and also discourage any digging from any critters. Then we put an angel cat statue there as well.

Our cats are like our family; losing them is difficult. But this was easier than I imagined, she was old and hurt and I am sure she is happier now. Plus, I am too busy and have too many other things to think about than my poor Poofy.

We will miss her she was a good cat!

Your input, please...

So I got a new job, one I will be working in addition to LDSFS. One of the aspects of this job is that you are promoted online, which is both awesome and scary. So, I need a picture to put on the website, therapytribe.com. Look for me there soon! Anyway, this is the one I chose:

But I thought maybe this one would work as well...

Does one say "I am a professional who knows how to help you" more than the other does? Smile or no smile? What do you think? And a big THANK YOU to my awesome daughter, Michaela, for taking the pics!
And also, my nose is just. huge. Just sayin'.

First Day of School 2011

First off, I have to apologize for the sideways pictures. I have a new computer, and even when I rotate them in my file, when I upload them to blogger they are still sideways. I can't figure it out. Anyway, we had a good start to the school year today. Somehow, I managed to get everyone where they were supposed to be on time and still get pictures. This involved me getting up early and getting ready for work, getting breakfast on the table, ( I made lunches the night before), getting the girls up and hair done. Then I took Michaela to school, dropped Ninny off at day care, and came back to get Payden and Ava to take them to their school.


That is a sharp looking bunch of girlies!

It seems that the older my girls get, the less chances I get for pictures. I didn't get into Payden's classroom, this is outside her door. Sixth grade will be great this year, Payden is excited. She likes her teacher and has already made friends. I happened to see them sitting in the hall as the teacher talked to them. Payden didn't know I was there, and I observed her raise her hand and tell her class how her class in Idaho did things. I was amazed. I never would have put myself out there like that in a new school on the first day; Payden has amazing confidence.


Here is a sideways picture. This is Ava and her teacher. I asked her if she liked her teacher, and she said no, she is a little bossy. I said that teachers have to be a little bossy, and this seemed to improve her outlook.

In front of the door. First grade! All day school! Getting so big.

Here she is in front of her desk. Ava was a little apprehensive about me leaving her. She was kind of clingy and scared, but she was brave and did well.

Here is Payden and Ava outside their new school. They think their mascot, the husky, is a great improvement over their last school's mascot, the buffaloe. I tend to agree.

And the biggest first of the day, Corrine's first day of day care. I have enrolled her in a Montessori preschool and day care, and she really likes it. I hate having to leave her, but since I do, this seems to be the best place. She had a great day. She was a bit clingy too, but I think that was because she was the first one there and it must have been scary being the only kid. But as soon as I got her interested in something, she didn't even look at me when I said goodbye. She is very social and loves being with other kids, so this will actually be good for her. When I picked her up, she was laying on a cot with a blanket trying to take a nap. So cute!

This is what got her attention; little beads in cups and sugar that you can pour from one container to another.

How I wish I didn't have to leave this sweet one. It doesn't really seem fair to her, the only one of her sisters to have to go to daycare, but when is life fair? I have really been talking it up to her and she is thrilled about the idea. And I was SO happy to see her when I picked her up. That is one thing about being away from your kids all day; you really eat them up when you get them home.

And last but certainly not least, Michaela's first day of 8th grade. As I said, the older they get, the less picture I get. Here you have the back of Michaela as she walks up the steps. She wouldn't even turn around!

Michaela got lost on the way home today. She was supposed to get a ride home with some ward members, so I didn't go pick her up. I actually didn't even know what time school got out, so I didn't start to worry until about 3:30. Then I went up the the school to look for her, and asked some students what time school got out. They said 2:55. I went home and asked some neighbors if they knew if she had gotten a ride ( I didn't even know who she was riding home with). None of them knew where she was, and the person she was supposed to ride home with saw her walking away from the school.

Well, after driving around looking for her, and having the neigbors do the same, I was starting to get worried. You might remember this happened last year on her first day, and she was just at the school. After calling the police, they found her quickly at the school. So I went back to her school for the second time, had her paged, and she wasn't there.

I called the police and was starting to get worried. The officer took her info, and asked for a picture. I just moved and couldn't find one, so I logged onto facebook in the police officer's car and got her picture from there.

The neighbors went back out again to look, and after about 1 hour, the next door neighbor found her. She had been walking for about 2 hours, trying to find her way home. She has a cell phone, but the minutes are out on it. She was so tired and thirsty and scared. I felt so bad for her. Our ward is so great, all that help and the bishop's wife brought us pizza's for dinner. Even with that horrible afternoon, we still had a great day. I am grateful for all the ward help, but also feel like we are making a spectacle of ourselves. I don't want to be THAT family who is always needing help.

I told Michaela that no matter what she says, I am picking her up from her first day next year. We don't want a third episode!

Change

Life can be rewarding and beautiful, full of contentment and joy.

I have experienced much of that sort of life throughout my journey here, even through many of my trials I have still felt blessed.

Some trials, though, are so difficult that there isn't much room for contentment or joy.

At times life can be so heartwrenchingly painful that all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and have faith that life will go on, that things will get better.

I am in one of those places right now, and have been for the past 9 weeks or so. The rollercoaster of emotions I have been experiencing does leave room for gratefulness and the realization of blessings, but mostly it has been full of sadness, loss, frustration, anger and despair.

A few of you know what I am referring to. I have neglected making any of this public, but circumstances have gotten to the point where what is going on is going to be obvious, and I can't hide it much longer.

The thought of putting this out there in written form for anyone to read is giving me anxiety; I just can't believe that this is my life right now. In the past weeks, I have come the closest to having a panic attack that I ever have before; it is scary.

Jason and I are separated, have been for about 7 weeks or so. Time has lost its accuracy for me; I am in sort of a fog.


I will not go into the why in detail here; suffice it to say that there was a betrayal of monumental proportions, and not the kind you are probably thinking of.

Honesty, trustworthiness and inegrity are essential points for me in a relationship, certainly they are for anyone. Without them, all security and stability is gone;replaced by fear, uncertainty and suspicion. Living with a stranger, and one you can't trust, is simply not an option for me.

I fully believe in the promises of celestial marriage, and the obligations that we have once entered into it. Again, I won't go into detail here, but circumstances have made it nearly impossible to work on staying together. I know with God all things are possible; but it takes us using our free agency to allow God's miracles to come to pass.

Fasting, constant prayer, blessings by my bishop, temple attendence and scripture study and personal revelation have led me to believe that for right now, not being together is the right thing for me.


That is not to say that this hasn't been difficult. My knees are sore from praying so much and I didn't know I could produce this many tears. I am torn up inside from this. I never expected that this would be my life. It is sad. So sad. For so many reasons.

I experience moments of striking clarity in the midst of crippeling confusion. Trying to sort through my maze of emotions to see what God wants for me has been so difficult. It is a daily process.

I know there are those of you who won't understand; I get that. I allow you your opinions, just please keep them from me. I am so tender right now that any negativity might crush me. What I have found, however, is a huge support from friends and loved ones. I am touched to my very core from the outpouring of love from special people. The understanding and lack of judgement are so what I need right now. I am so humbled by people thinking of me and doing for me.

I feared so much being judged and otsresized that I was scared to let anyone know what was going on. I am so sensitive and hyper aware of "family" things right now; I cry when I hear about temple marriages or daddies. Making this public is so scary.

My heart hurts almost constantly for my girls. I pray constantly that I will be able to help them heal and that we can all be adaptable, and come through this without too many scars. The little ones seemed most effected by Jason's abscense, though I know they are all feeling it.

Change seems to be the word of the season, as with this comes all sorts of new things for me. I am working more, and looking for another part time job. I need 30 hours a week to support us. I have found new place much closer to work so I can spend as much time as possible with the girls.

I never wanted to put any of my kids in day care, but that is the only thing I can do. I will start looking for one for Corrine soon. The rest will be in school all day, and I plan on being home not long after they are in the afternoon; Michaela can watch them until I am home.

I will tackle summer when it comes next year. My schedule is super flexible, which is why I want to work two part time jobs instead of one full time, to keep my flexibility.

This single mom business is tough stuff. Jason watches the girls at night when I am at work, and comes most Saturdays to help out around the house. This is the most confusing for the little girls I think; they don't understand why he has to go.

The most difficult thing to deal with is all the loss; loss of my future, of who I thought I could trust, loss of my lifestyle, loss of what I thought was reality. Loss of stability, of family (both mine and extended; divorce separates so much more than just spouses), loss of identity. Loss of a hundred little things that you don't really think about until you have to.

I am packing up the house, making moving arrangements, working more, looking for more work, looking for a daycare, and a thousand other loose ends all on my own. I have a huge respect for women who are on their own. This is not easy. I am up late every night cleaning up after putting the girls to bed. I haven't turned the tv on at night for weeks!

Jason and I are getting along ok. Not being mean, agreeing on things being civil. I am so glad for that. I can call him for help with the computer, or something else and it works ok. We have decided to stay separated for a while, not push through with a divorce too soon.

I am not going to post about this again; at least I hope not. I am going to try to focus on positives, on happy things, on moving forward. I try to do this daily in my thinking. I just wanted to let everyone know what is going on so when they see a lack of Jason in my posts, or when I post pics of my new, small bed, or see my new house without him in it, I won't have to answer everyone individually.

I see blessings around me all the time, I feel the Saviour's love for me, I know he is watching over me and protecting me. Never in my life have I felt such pain, but also never have I felt so close to the Lord. What they say about trials bringing you closer to God is true. I know things will get better, and I remind myself about that when I feel terrible. I know I am strong enough to handle this, and I hope and pray that I can give my girls what they need to stay healthy and whole.

Life will go on, life will be good. My faith is strong, my testimony secure. We will be ok.

No ants invited!

It was a nice day so we decided to take a picnic lunch to the park. Michaela invited a friend, and so did Payden. Unfortunately, Payden and her friend ran off and I never got a picture of them!Michaela and her friend decided to stay close to the food!

Ava and Corrine love picnics! We love this park. It has a great big grassy area with big trees, a nice play ground, a walking path and a pond with ducks.





Feeding the ducks! Here I managed to get a picture of Payden and her friend!

The ducks weren't really hungry, but the littlies didn't care. They just kept throwing the bread in the water even though no one was eating much of it.

There is this gorgeous black swan there. So graceful, and we love the little curly feathers on its back.

The swan did eat some!

Michaela and her friend!

And Ava and Corrine; Corrine thought it was too high and didn't jump!

Surf n Swim

My mom and I took the girls to the Layton Surf n Swim over the 4th of July weekend. It was very busy that day!

Corrine was so funny. She took a while to warm up to the water, and the waves in the pool(every 1/2 hour or so a whistle blows and waves are generated; lots of fun!) scared her. At first she didn't even want me to put her down! By the end of the day though, she was swimming like a pro and jumping into the waves.

Ava loved to ride the waves in her tube.

Michaela making a dive.

Payden jumping!

Ava's first time on the diving board....

will have to wait until next time! She got a little scared!

It was a fun day!

Summertime fun

For my birthday on the 8th, the girls got up and made me breakfast in bed; fresh squeezed OJ, fried eggs, toast and grapefruit. It was very yummy! They also had both looked online for homemade gift ideas and each made me a gift; Michaela made me a fabric covered pinboard and Payden made me some egg carton flowers and a homemade scentsy. I was touched by how much work they put into them. My mom washed my car inside and out and waxed it, we got to go out to dinner and yard saleing. It was a very nice birthday.


For FHE, we decided to do a pedicure night so our toes would be pretty in our flip flops! We soaked then painted.



Payden and I also braided Michaela's hair for girls camp. I forgot to take a pic of the finished product! It took us a couple of hours but she sure looked cute!

Michaela's toes!


Corrine got a pool for her birthday and they have loved using it!

A very nice way to cool off! The last time they were in it, there were about 6 other neighborhood kids out there with them!