Life can be rewarding and beautiful, full of contentment and joy.
I have experienced much of that sort of life throughout my journey here, even through many of my trials I have still felt blessed.
Some trials, though, are so difficult that there isn't much room for contentment or joy.
At times life can be so heartwrenchingly painful that all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and have faith that life will go on, that things will get better.
I am in one of those places right now, and have been for the past 9 weeks or so. The rollercoaster of emotions I have been experiencing does leave room for gratefulness and the realization of blessings, but mostly it has been full of sadness, loss, frustration, anger and despair.
A few of you know what I am referring to. I have neglected making any of this public, but circumstances have gotten to the point where what is going on is going to be obvious, and I can't hide it much longer.
The thought of putting this out there in written form for anyone to read is giving me anxiety; I just can't believe that this is my life right now. In the past weeks, I have come the closest to having a panic attack that I ever have before; it is scary.
Jason and I are separated, have been for about 7 weeks or so. Time has lost its accuracy for me; I am in sort of a fog.
I will not go into the why in detail here; suffice it to say that there was a betrayal of monumental proportions, and not the kind you are probably thinking of.
Honesty, trustworthiness and inegrity are essential points for me in a relationship, certainly they are for anyone. Without them, all security and stability is gone;replaced by fear, uncertainty and suspicion. Living with a stranger, and one you can't trust, is simply not an option for me.
I fully believe in the promises of celestial marriage, and the obligations that we have once entered into it. Again, I won't go into detail here, but circumstances have made it nearly impossible to work on staying together. I know with God all things are possible; but it takes us using our free agency to allow God's miracles to come to pass.
Fasting, constant prayer, blessings by my bishop, temple attendence and scripture study and personal revelation have led me to believe that for right now, not being together is the right thing for me.
That is not to say that this hasn't been difficult. My knees are sore from praying so much and I didn't know I could produce this many tears. I am torn up inside from this. I never expected that this would be my life. It is sad. So sad. For so many reasons.
I experience moments of striking clarity in the midst of crippeling confusion. Trying to sort through my maze of emotions to see what God wants for me has been so difficult. It is a daily process.
I know there are those of you who won't understand; I get that. I allow you your opinions, just please keep them from me. I am so tender right now that any negativity might crush me. What I have found, however, is a huge support from friends and loved ones. I am touched to my very core from the outpouring of love from special people. The understanding and lack of judgement are so what I need right now. I am so humbled by people thinking of me and doing for me.
I feared so much being judged and otsresized that I was scared to let anyone know what was going on. I am so sensitive and hyper aware of "family" things right now; I cry when I hear about temple marriages or daddies. Making this public is so scary.
My heart hurts almost constantly for my girls. I pray constantly that I will be able to help them heal and that we can all be adaptable, and come through this without too many scars. The little ones seemed most effected by Jason's abscense, though I know they are all feeling it.
Change seems to be the word of the season, as with this comes all sorts of new things for me. I am working more, and looking for another part time job. I need 30 hours a week to support us. I have found new place much closer to work so I can spend as much time as possible with the girls.
I never wanted to put any of my kids in day care, but that is the only thing I can do. I will start looking for one for Corrine soon. The rest will be in school all day, and I plan on being home not long after they are in the afternoon; Michaela can watch them until I am home.
I will tackle summer when it comes next year. My schedule is super flexible, which is why I want to work two part time jobs instead of one full time, to keep my flexibility.
This single mom business is tough stuff. Jason watches the girls at night when I am at work, and comes most Saturdays to help out around the house. This is the most confusing for the little girls I think; they don't understand why he has to go.
The most difficult thing to deal with is all the loss; loss of my future, of who I thought I could trust, loss of my lifestyle, loss of what I thought was reality. Loss of stability, of family (both mine and extended; divorce separates so much more than just spouses), loss of identity. Loss of a hundred little things that you don't really think about until you have to.
I am packing up the house, making moving arrangements, working more, looking for more work, looking for a daycare, and a thousand other loose ends all on my own. I have a huge respect for women who are on their own. This is not easy. I am up late every night cleaning up after putting the girls to bed. I haven't turned the tv on at night for weeks!
Jason and I are getting along ok. Not being mean, agreeing on things being civil. I am so glad for that. I can call him for help with the computer, or something else and it works ok. We have decided to stay separated for a while, not push through with a divorce too soon.
I am not going to post about this again; at least I hope not. I am going to try to focus on positives, on happy things, on moving forward. I try to do this daily in my thinking. I just wanted to let everyone know what is going on so when they see a lack of Jason in my posts, or when I post pics of my new, small bed, or see my new house without him in it, I won't have to answer everyone individually.
I see blessings around me all the time, I feel the Saviour's love for me, I know he is watching over me and protecting me. Never in my life have I felt such pain, but also never have I felt so close to the Lord. What they say about trials bringing you closer to God is true. I know things will get better, and I remind myself about that when I feel terrible. I know I am strong enough to handle this, and I hope and pray that I can give my girls what they need to stay healthy and whole.
Life will go on, life will be good. My faith is strong, my testimony secure. We will be ok.
4 days ago
